Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Thinking, thinking, thinking...

This is a time of introspection for me.  Today Dr. Spud went back to work for real after having the beloved 6 weeks between semesters.  He has spent lots of time at his office over these 6 weeks, but he he has also spent a lot of time at home and that has been wonderful.  Both of my spudlets are now in school all day.  So, what am I doing?  Thinking.  Lots and lots of thinking.

It has been a pretty crazy 6 week break.  Just before finals for my husband's lucky students, I got the shock of a lifetime.  After a visit to my doctor, I learned that I needed to have a visit with a gynecologic oncologist.  There were some masses and some elevated blood test numbers.  Everyone was very careful to let me know that those factors did not mean I had cancer and indeed, I felt pretty good about things and felt some spiritual assurances that I was ok(-ish).  I met with the oncologist (who was amazing and I feel so so grateful for his reassuring manner and willingness to take the time to talk and then perform an amazing surgery) who also felt like we were not looking at cancer, but that we needed to remove the masses the old fashioned way with a make-a-big-cut-through-your-stomach incision because that is the safest when there is a possibility of cancer and he also needed to be able to really get things cleaned out and functioning better.  I have had a few surgeries in my day, but I have been lucky enough to have had all of them done through small incisions, including a major surgery last summer.  This time, I knew I was going to be down for a while and that recovery was not going to be easy and that the timing was going to be ok, but tricky since my scheduled surgery was just a day more than a week from the time my spudlets were to start school.

My doctor told me I would be in the hospital for at least 4 days and possibly up to 10 days following my surgery.  As it turned out, leaving out the day of surgery, I left the hospital 5 days after my surgery, which was the day before school started.  I didn't get to do all of the normal things I do before school starts.  I didn't get to take my kids to registration and help them find their classes, but am very grateful for my mother-in-law who did.  I didn't get to work into a good schedule that last week before school started.  I didn't get to walk my kids to school on the first day and give them a final hug and kiss goodbye for the day and assure them that they would be awesome!  I didn't get to make their first day of school lunch or bake cookies to have them ready when they got home from school.  Luckily for me, I have an amazing husband who did all the things I couldn't do.

Friends and neighbors have made us dinners and stepped in to help my kids when they needed a little extra help.  It has been amazing to witness and very humbling to experience.  I am so emotional about all of this even now as I am writing.  Thank you to all of you who have been so quick to help, willing to jump in and so mindful of what my family is experiencing right now.

So, here I am.  The first day really on my own since the surgery.  I am doing alright.  I don't have lots of energy.  Folding a load of laundry is a pretty aerobic exercise for me right now and I have to spend most of my day sitting.  I would normally love all this extra time.  I would read and blog and organize and run errands and do some deep cleaning, etc., etc.  But I really can't do most of it.  I can't concentrate well enough to read and don't feel interested in reading anyway (this is a major crazy for me - I always love to read). I can't work on organizing because I can't bend down very well and I am not sure where things would work anyway.  I can't drive so there go all those errands and deep cleaning is not possible right now...I don't have the stamina nor the mobility.  I guess I am doing the blogging bit, but we'll see how successful the outcome of that is...

Before any of my friends and family start freaking out and running over here to do something for me, let me just say that I am doing fine.  We are doing great on our own, making our own meals and taking care of things.  It really feels good and important to me right now to be able to do these simple and basic things.  It just takes all I've got to do that right now and that is OK.  I don't even need visitors right now because I'm feeling a little anti-social and just needing my own time to heal and rest and do what I can do.  What I really need is just an outlet to say that this has been hard.   I have been so, so, so, so blessed.  Beyond words blessed.  But it has been hard and it is still going to be hard for a little while.  That is OK because we grow the most when we are challenged the most and we are also blessed the most when we are challenged the most.

I don't know how to end this post, so I'll just say...Thanks for letting me find a place to say that this is hard.


Camille said...

Yes, a month after the fact, but I just found your blog!! I had no idea you blogged, but I am so happy to know you do. :) We share a common hobby. You definitely have had a rough patch and it has broken my heart to see you every week at church through your recovery process, but you are one tough momma! I'm glad to know there weren't "serious" health issues, and more happy to hear that it has all been resolved. You're an amazing woman! Your family is lucky to have you, able to bend over or not! :)

Stampinjul said...

Hey cutie! I had heard just recently from mom (aka Sandy-toast) that you had surgery! I'm sorry you had to have this to make you feel better, but speaking from experience, I'm glad I had mine! It was hard, but it definitely helped me--I was kind of a hot mess! Now I'm just hot!! ;) Hopefully you will have a quick recovery and back to your regular darling self! Love you, girlie!